It must really suck to be a “normal” guy in the world of comic books.

I mean, it’s never failed to amaze me how much destruction a single superhero can cause.  Even Batman, a guy without any superpowers still manages to drive through a mall explodinating everything and anything in his way.  Sure, the chick who runs the kiosk that sells those cheapo plastic helicopters is annoying, but did you need to run her stuff over?  You think you might have some unresolved anger issues since you SAW YOUR PARENTS MURDERED?!?!  Christ Bruce.  It might be time to talk to someone.

Superman isn’t any better.  Pick up any issue of his comics and you’ll see him fighting some villian who manages to punch him through a building, a park, a hosptial, a baby duckling clinic, or maybe the Sweetest Kitten Contest in Metropolis center.  I mean, who’s green sedan is this?  Do you honestly think that the sidewalk that is currently in SPLINTERS is going to be fixed in the near term?  You think your commute sucks in San Francisco with the Bay Bridge issue, you’ve got it lucky.  This shit happens to Metropolis on a weekly basis.

It’s been the better part of a decade since 9/11, and there’s still a massive hole in the ground.  With the amount of damage Metropolis takes every month, it’s pretty well assured that it’s never going to be fully built.

I guess I’m saying that the entire city of Metropolis, and probably the entire DC Universe is practically uninsurable.  Picture it, you’re an up and coming writer for the Planet, you buy your first condo in the city, and two weeks later Green Lantern drops Mongo through your roof and into your basement.  My homeowners insurance isn’t crazy expensive, but you can bet your tights clad ass that after the second “Superhero Incident” you’re going to be dropped like a pair of rhinestone panties on a VH1 reality show.

What a life!  You’re a normal guy trying to make ends meet, but you’ve got to take a second job to pay off your premiums.  Let’s not even discuss your car insurance.  If you live in Gotham City, you can bet that your 12 year old Corolla Toyota beater might be shrapnel when you try to go to work tomorrow because Batman needed a parking space.  You already live in the most crime infested city in the world, you were mugged twice last week alone, got Fear-Gassed in the Subway on the way to the Opera, and now your car is a paper weight because Batso needed to recapture the Joker for the 11th time.  Awesome.  Thanks Bats.

Well, you’ve still got your condo!

Ah. Shit. Well ok, let’s look on the bright side. You were dropped from your car insurance, but your homeowners is paid up, so as soon as they can get the cash out of their accounts, BAM! You’re all set

Jesus. Ok, ok. Your city is still there though, right?  It’s not like a cyborg version of Superman nuked it with his arm just to slightly irritate the superhero who lives there…right?

Huh. I’m kinda at a loss here. Maybe you should consider moving to Detroit? I mean, rampant crime, urban blight, no jobs or working infrastructure, but…no superheroes. Your life expectancy should shoot up 10 years the day you get there.

Ps.

I’m Patrick.  Another of the new bloggers here on Mondo, and this is how my brain works.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 10th, 2009 at 7:23 pm and is filed under Comics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.