[I recently bought several packs of film- and tv-related trading cards: everything from Growing Pains to Maverick. I plan to open one pack a week and document every card, sticker, and stick of gum I find. If I'm lucky, maybe I'll discover a hologram or two.]
Title: Jaws 3-D
Details: 6 Cards || 1 Viewed || 1 Stick Bubble Gum
Full disclosure up front: I haven’t seen Jaws 3-D
. For that matter, I haven’t seen Jaws 2
, and thought Jaws 1
was just ok the one time I saw it. So, depending on your point of view, I’m either the worst or best person to review a pack of Jaws 3-D trading cards. Given that I have no idea what the plot of Jaws 3-D
is, I figured I’d just post the cards in chronological order and tell you what I think the movie is about.
A Topps 44-Card Series - In 3D: The cast of "Jaws 3-D", a terrifying entry in the popular series that boasts dimensional photography and unique special effects.
Ok. A diverse group of water enthusiasts. Other than the dude with a beret, a pretty normal-looking sea-side-living bunch.
Bloody Remains! Kathryn Morgan offers a snack to her friend, the killer whale Shamu.
Hmm. Ok. Didn’t expect to see Shamu. Does part of this movie take place at Sea World?
The New Peril! Kathryn Morgan is shocked to learn that the shark has been transferred to a different tank and may not survive.
Well… there’s another shot that seems to be set in Sea World. That’s strange. Surely the entire movie isn’t water-theme-park based.
Also, I’m pretty sure I can see that dude in the blue gym short’s right ball.
Seeking Human Prey! The horribly mangled body of Shelby Overman is discovered and a startling discovery is made: there's another, even larger shark in the vicinity!
Poor Shelby Overman! Was his (her?) body discovered under that sheet? Pretty convenient for the survivors, though I don’t see how that could possibly be blamed on a shark. There are sharks in this movie, right?
Oh, wait… there’s a shark reference. Apparently there’s an “even larger shark in the vicinity.” Which I presume means the vicinity of Sea World. Not sure how that’s even possible.
Madness and Mayhem! Innocent water skiers are oblivious to the presence of the monster shark..!
Really? REALLY? This movie has a Shark vs. Synchronized Lady Water Skiers scene? Was it a parody? What kind of person would let a shark into Sea World in the first place?
Diverting the Monster! Calvin Bouchard has accidentally allowed the killer shark to enter Sea World!
Oh. A Calvin Bouchard type of person. That jerk.
So after seeing six still images from Jaws 3-D I am thoroughly confused. Partially about the film’s plot, and mostly about how I could have made it 25+ years without knowing that Jaws 3-D was set IN A SEA WORLD! That’s a major cinematic knowledge gap. Thanks for filling it, Topps!
PS: The promised 3-D Viewer? Completely missing from my pack. Who do I call for a refund?